Post a JOKE

[Dean]

Now this one might not be strictly PC but then neither am I, and I have nothing against my fellow Scotsmen even those from Aberdeen....anyway the joke

This guy walks into a bar in Aberdeen and orders a white wine.


Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the
bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"


The guy replies, "I'm from Glasgow."


The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Glasgow?"


The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a
taxidermist?"


The guy says "I mount animals."


The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK
boys, he's one of us!"

[Andy]

A man walks into a bar, walks up one wall, across the ceiling down the other wall and orders a whisky. He does the same again then leaves. "That was unusual" comments a man at the bar. "Ye," replied the barman, "He normally has a pint"

Its not very good but...

[Cloud]

Tommy Dreamer is being extremely well used by the WWF

[Dean]

oh cloud that one has to be the best ever

[K.J]

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskys, the barman hands them over to him and he downs all three.

The guy looks up and says "I shouldn't have drunk all those whiskys", "why?" says the barman, the guy replies "I've only got 50p in my pocket".

[K.J]

3 couples who have just got married meet in the bar at their hotel. The women go upstairs to get ready for the night ahead. The 3 blokes are left talking in the bar. 1 of the blokes says "i wonder what weve got in store for tonight", so another bloke says "tell you what, when we come down for breakfast in the morning, however many times you did it, thats how many rounds of toast you'll order". So they all agreed and went off to bed.

So the next morning the first bloke comes down and says "Ill have a full english breakfast and 5 rounds of toast please".

The second bloke says "Ill have a full english breakfast and 6 rounds of toast please".

The last bloke says "Ill have a full english breakfast and 7 rounds of toast please". The other two say "bloody hell 7 times". Then the bloke says "oh waiter make sure two of them are brown".

[K.J]

guys are in a Strip Club when they decide to go and see whats going on in the back room. So they go to the back room, and the guy on the door says you have 3 options, you can pay a tenner, fifteen or twenty quid, the first guy says "OK ill go with the tenner. "

So in he goes about five minutes later he comes back out with a smile on his face. "What happened" said the two other guys, he says "oh I went in sat down, just got a blowjob and walked out".

So the next guy says "I'll see what I get for £15", and in he goes, after 5 minutes he comes back with a huge smile on his face out, the other guys say "what happened", well he said, "I went in, sat down, she put a dollop of ice cream on my nob and licked it off slowy, it drove me mad".

So the next guy says "What will I get for £20 then?". So in he goes and 5 minutes later he comes back out, he was crying his eyes out. The other guy's say "What happened to you then?" he says "I went in, sat down, dollop of ice cream on my nob, she sprinkled it with nuts and chocholate and stuck a wafer in it, it looked so nice I had it myself".

[SiMania]

What's the difference between an egg and a ****?

You can beat an egg

[Dean]

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."




"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

[Chyna]

Originally posted by Dean
Now this one might not be strictly PC but then neither am I, and I have nothing against my fellow Scotsmen even those from Aberdeen....anyway the joke

This guy walks into a bar in Aberdeen and orders a white wine.


Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the
bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"


The guy replies, "I'm from Glasgow."


The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Glasgow?"


The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a
taxidermist?"


The guy says "I mount animals."


The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK
boys, he's one of us!"

I dont care what you said at the start before the joke,
That is NOT funny to me,
I got pissed off about this lastnight!

[Kam]

I thought it was funny :lol

[NJC]

These are all pretty lame, but they might raise a chuckle.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Start swimming.

What's the difference between a carrier bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and can be dangerous around small children, and the other carries groceries.

This one is a tad better...

A man walks into a pet shop, and just browses. He spots a parrot, who says "Psst, come here mate"
So the man walks over, and the parrot says to the man.
"I have no arms and no legs, but hey, I can talk. The shopkeeper doesn't know this, so he'll probably sell me cheap. Go on, £20."
Puzzled, the man asks.
"If you've no arms or legs, how do you stay on your perch."
"Oh, I just wrap my **** around it." replies the parrot.
Intrigued, the man buys the parrot and takes him home. A few weeks pass, and the parrot indeed can talk, and he has interesting conversations with the man about politics, religion and many other intellectual subjects. One day, the man comes home from work and is startled by the parrot.
"Psst, quick, come here."
"What is it?"
"Your wife answered the door to the postman today."
"And..what's wrong with that?"
"She was in her nightwear"
Concerned, the man asks him to continue.
"Then the postman came in...and your wife stripped to her lingerie."
"What happened then..tell me!"
"They started kissing each other."
"Carry on!"
"Then they started caressing each other on the floor, in each others arms!" said the parrot.
"What happened next...tell me!"
"I dunno mate, I got a boner and fell off my perch."

:xyx

[Dean Douglas]

Again, this one isn't strictly PC...


A drama student from London is on a walking holiday in Wales and is out in the middle of nowhere so he stops to ask directions at a farm that he sees over a hill. He gets to the front door and his knock is answered by someone who appears to be the farmer and their conversation goes as follows...

Student: I'm looking for directions back to the town

Farmer: I'm not too sure where that is but my wife does, she's out at the moment but you can stay here until she gets back

*A dog walks into the room*

Student: Do you mind if I talk to your dog?

Farmer: *chuckling* Knock yourself out, animals can't talk you silly man

*Sensing a chance to practise his ventriliquist skills and play a joke at the same time, the student starts having a false conversation witht he dog*

Student: Is this man your master, do you like him?

Dog: Yes, he's very kind to me, feeds me and takes me out for long walks everyday

Farmer: That's amazing!, can the other animals talk?

Student: Sure, take me to the stable and I can talk ot the horse

*they arrive at the stable*

Student: Hi there, do you like it here?

Horse: I do, he looks after me and lets me stay ina nice warm stable.

Student: Can I talk to that sheep over there?

Farmer: That sheep's a liar, don't listen

[Dean]

OOOOPPPPPPSSSSSSSSS Chyna did I say Aberdeen.......um ehh....I meant to say Dundee :)

[Inno]

A man and his new wife are crossing the desert on a camel for their honeymoon - al their luggage is on the camel as well as them.

All of a sudden, the camel stumbles - the man gets down off the camel, stares it in the eye and says "That's once"

He gets back up on the camel, and without a word, they carry on.

Sometime later, the camel stumbles again. Same thing - the man gets down off the camel, stares it in the eye and says "That's twice"

He gets back on the camel, and they start off again.

Further on, the camel stumbles again. This time the man gets down, lifts his wife down and takes all the luggage off the camel. He fumbles about in the bag, takes out a gun and stares the camel in the eyes. He says "that's three times" and shoots the camel.

His wife starts screaming "What did you do that for? We needed that to carry the luggage!!! Now what the hell are we gonna do?"

The man seems to think about this for a moment, and then looks straight at his wife and says "That's once"

[Chyna]

Originally posted by Kam
I thought it was funny :lol

If you was replying to me all i'll say is it isnt funny when ya family live there.

[Dean Douglas]

Here's a wrestling related joke...

Madusa decided that there was no chance of her getting a job in wrestling again and that every man on the planet thought she was astonishingly ugly so she decided there was no point in living and she was going to kill herself. She was reading about ways to do so and she decided that the best way would be to shoot herself in the heart, but she wasn't entirely sure where her heart was located and she didn't want to miss and make it worse so she phoned her doctor and he told her that the heart was located roughly 2 inches below her left nipple.

She was hospitalised with a gunshot wound to the kneecap the next day. :D

[K.J]

Chyna, get yourself a sense of humour.

Dean, got any more? ;)

[Skullmonkey]

Yeah Chyna, It was pretty funny. I do not think Dean was taking a shot at you or your family.

[Inno]

Shandy is the Kurt Cobain of drinks... a little bitter and no head :)

[Skullmonkey]

See now Dreamer's joke was truly taste-less. :lol

[Inno]

Originally posted by Chyna


If you was replying to me all i'll say is it isnt funny when ya family live there.

I know people that live there, and they make jokes about the same kind of thing - whatcha gonna do - ban all jokes about towns or people on the premise that someone may get offended by them?

Lighten up!!!

[Dean]

Now Chyna before you read these let me just say there is a difference between ABERDEEN FANS and the decent folk of Aberdeen, I have relations in Aberdeen and they told me most of these jokes, on the other hand i could replace Aberdeen fan with Rangers fan if you prefer :)

An Aberdeen fan was drinking in a pub when the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call.
The Aberdeen fan had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spat in my beer." When he returned to the his bar stool 2 minutes later, there was another note beside his beer:
"I spat in your beer too!"

Ebbe Skovdahl was getting worried that all his players were crap, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice.
Martin O'Neill explained that, at Celtic, he got all the players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Ebbe try this.
Two weeks later, Martin rang back to see how Aberdeen were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Skovdahl was still pi$$ed off.
"Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Martin.
"Bloody cones beat us 3-0" muttered Skovdahl.

True - In a recent survey, 1/3 of Aberdeen supporters admitted to having had sex with a sheep.
True - In another recent survey, 2/3 of Aberdeen supporters admitted to lying.

A man was walking along a road in Aberdeen when he saw an Aberdeen fan holding a sheep with its back legs stuck in his Wellington boots.
"Are you shearing that sheep?" asked the man.
"Naw, laddie," replied the Aberdeen fan. "Git yer own!"

Q: How did the Aberdeen fan find the sheep in the long grass?
A: Very satisfying

Two Aberdeen supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
1st Aberdeen Fan: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
2nd Aberdeen Fan: What about the sheep ?!?
1st Aberdeen Fan: F**k the sheep !!!!
2nd Aberdeen Fan: (pause) Do you think we have time?

An Aberdeen fan was taking his driving test and the instructor says "Can you make a U-Turn".
The Aberdeen fan replies, "make a Ewe turn? I could make her eyes water"

An Aberdeen fan wanders into a pub with his sheepdog to watch his team perform in a televised live match. He stands at the bar and his dog lies at his feet, also watching the TV screen. It's not Aberdeen's day and they lose the match. As the final whistle goes and the commentator reads out the score, the dog starts barking wildly, leaping up and down and biting lumps out of the leg of the nearest bar stool. The barman watches this in astonishment then asks the Aberdeen fan:
"Here, whit's goat in tae yer dug?"
The fan shrugs resignedly and replies:
"Well, he's Aberdeen-daft that dug, ye ken. He does his nut in, like, when they get beat, ye ken."
"Is that a fact?" says the barman, "and what does he do when they win?"
"Ah dinnae ken," says the Aberdeen fan, "Ah've only had him 6 month, like."

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

Q: How many Aberdeen fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Yeah, like they have electricity in Aberdeen!

Q: Why do Aberdonians get married?
A: Because sheep can't cook.

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with no interest in sheep?
A: Deceased

Ebbe Skovdahl was showing his son around Pittodrie, as he had always promised to do.
Ebbe took him to the offices where his son got to count the two pence pieces. Finally, he was introduced to some of the players while they were training.
On the way home, Ebbe noticed his son was crying.
"What's wrong, son?" Ebbe asked. "Didn't you enjoy yourself today?".
"Yes" replied his son "but i didn't get to see all the clowns you say you have to work with every day!"

[SiMania]

Yeah you sad little girl, have you have a sense of humour bypass?

[Dean]

Actually on second thoughts I might just even things up a little bit :)
QUESTION: How many GlasgowRangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER(I): Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing" commerative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Inverness
ANSWER(II): Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?

Q: How many Glasgow Rangers. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 540,001. That's one to change it, 40,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit! In fact, it could be argued 540,002, as someone will have to compare the light bulb to Ally McCoist

Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? As long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, costs 30 quid and comes in a different colour

[Chyna]

I was jus in abit of a mardy about it for a reason but s'ok i dont mind..

[The Crippler]

Those Aberdeen jokes are hilarious. :xyx

You could put Wales in place of Aberdeen if those jokes were offending people. ;)

[Inno]

How does Alex Ferguson change a lightbulb?

He holds it and lets the world revolve around him

[Dean Douglas]

Q.What's the difference between Fred Durst and R2-D2?


A. One is a silly little thing that makes high pitched noises that make no sense and the other is a robot from Star Wars

[Perfection]

A few Dumb Blonde Jokes.

There is a river. one Blonde Women is at one side another is at the other. One Blonde Women Says "How did you get to the other side?" The other Says "DUH! you are at the other side"

There is a Ventriliquist at a local Pub and he is going through his usuall Dumb Blonde Jokes Routine. When suddenly a Blonde Women stands up and says "That' it, i've had enough, it's about time you stopped talking about Blonde Women like that, there hair colour has absolutely nothing to do with how Intelligent they are" The Man starts to apoligise and asks if she will forgive him she says "You stay out of this Buddy, i'm tlaking to that little bastard on your knee"

Why did the Blonde Women have a sore belly Button?
Becuase her Boyfriend was Blonde Too

A Sexist and Irish Joke.......

There was an English Man and Scottish Man and an Irish Man. A women comes up to the English man and says "I want you to make me feel like a women" so the English man has Sex with her. She says to the Scottish Man "I want you to make me feel like a woman" so the Scottich Man also has sex with her. She then says to The Irish Man "i want you to make me feel like a woman" SO The Irish Man gives her his Laundry.

This one is Pretty Nasty but i stole it from Stuey2Dope so dont bother telling me how sick i am......

Why doesn't Michale Barrymore use Ashtrays?
*** he prefers to put his fags out in the pool.

Once again Not Mine.. so dont bother me about it please........ :)

[The Crippler]

LOL @ Perfection, totally tasteless but at the same time rather funny. :)

What is the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

God doesn't think he is Alex Ferguson.

[Perfection]

LOL.

ok another few silly ones

What does a Mathematician do when he gets Constipation?
He works it out with a Pencil :)

Whats the Difference between a prostitute and a Rooster?
A Rooster says a Cockle doo doo doo
A Prostitute says Any ****'l do.

:D

[was*she]

Shandy is the Kurt Cobain of drinks... a little bitter and no head :)
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D